Dear Former Husband,

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I have officially been declared a “singleton” this week.  It is now legally binding.  I have the final invoice and stamped approved documents to prove it.  Although you did not participate in the final dissolution of marriage hearing, it was accomplished in a thirty minute conference call, the female judge, my attorney, and myself.  An anti-climatic end to fifteen years of marriage.  Everyone was friendly.  Non-abrasive.  Not judgmental.  And as uncomfortable as the situation was, they made it as painless as possible.

I thought this day would be so different.

I was not expecting the nauseous stomach all day as the minutes for the phone call crept closer.  I was not expecting the audible nervousness in my voice as I answered the questions, many times having to repeat myself for clarity.  I was not expecting to be asked if I was expecting more than once.  I was not prepared to have fifteen years of my life, life decisions, finances, and children summed up like this.

Fifteen years of a life. . . summed up in one thirty minute conference call.

I thought I would feel relief.  I thought I would feel like I had finally made it.  I thought I would feel the exhale.  And all I felt was nauseous– and not because I was expecting. . .why do they even ask that?  And why do they ask it three times?  I was not expecting five minutes ago.  Two minutes later- yep, still not.

Immaculate conception still yet to occur in the last 20 minutes.  

This conference call was a long awaited event.  And I still don’t understand any of it.  Why the wait?  Why the fight?  Why now?  It doesn’t make any sense.  That is one of the deepest lessons I have learned this year- sometimes life’s events and life’s decisions just don’t make any sense.  I have grappled, over-analyzed and over-questioned more than I would like to admit in my search for answers.

Sometimes. . .there just aren’t any. . . as much as I hate to admit it. 

I don’t understand why you decided to fight for a marriage you did not take part in- the boys and I would have liked nothing more than you to spend time with us.  Your love for self came far before your love for me.   I don’t understand why the words leaving your lips didn’t match your actions– how does one confess his undying love for his wife, while also joining dating sites in search of a next companion?  Your action-less words began to fall on deaf ears.  I don’t understand how you can call me your best friend, when you concealed information daily and did not defend my honor to your family.  Your idea of a friendship, and a best one at that, needs a quick revamp.  I don’t understand why you saved your biggest fight for this battle?

This was not a marriage worth fighting for.

This was not the give and take.  This was not the life gets better because you’re in it relationship.  This was not the union that is a marriage.  I am disheartened that you thought otherwise.  I am sad that it took a seemingly endless fight to get to this day, over two years later.  I am sickened that the money spent could have paid for more than a year of college or a first car for one of our sons.  It didn’t have to be this way.

Money wasted on a winning-less fight.

And why?  Why now?  Why not then?  Then when I begged for more help with the boys.  Then when I pleaded for you to communicate.  Then when I cried for you to be part of the we.  And each year as the holidays arrived, our once a year stress-filled yelling match would take place like clockwork.  Predictable- parents are visiting, no help given until the last second, and usually facing a financial mess I was not privy to– clockwork.

And now the clock of our marriage is out of minutes.

We now find ourselves in a very different place than where this fight began.  We have established two different homes for our sons.  We have started our new beginnings.  We now can see the errors of our ways.  We no longer fight.  We now communicate, texting seems to be the answer.  We now spend time with our boys, separately but each taking a vital role.  And we now share our finances to pay for the boys’ needs, no more seasonal discoveries of financial messes.  We, are now no longer.  We, are now singletons.  We, are now separate.  But we now work better than ever.

Separate but one united front for our boys.

August 4, 2020 will now be marked as a significant day for our family.  A day without the negative implications possible.  We do not hate each other.  We are not toxic.  We are not vengeful.  We are two people who rushed a life decision.  One of life’s biggest decisions should have been given far more time and forethought.  I am sorry that we did not honor it, with that.  We met after failed relationships.  We both wanted validation.  We wanted to know we were worthy of being loved.  Validation we were wanted.  Validation we were needed.

Marriage is so much more than that. 

Marriage is a union.  It is a partnership.  It is a working together.  Marriage is intimacy.  It is a yearning for someone else.  It is an undefinable chemistry.  Marriage is communication.  It is finishing a partner’s sentence before the words are spoken.  It is speaking with just an expression, no words needed.  It is full truth, no secrets.  Marriage is an addition, not a take-away.  It is the added bonus of a life partner.  It is the my life is better because he/she is in it.

Marriage like this. . . is worth fighting for.

And so I did.  I fought.  I fought for a fresh start.  I fought for what I know a relationship or marriage is capable of being.  No, I will NOT be remarrying.  I would be most content with just a partner who is willing to choose me over and over again, without being legally obligated to do so.  But it is my hope, you will remarry.  I hope you discover all the ways love, marriage and a union should be.  All of the ways our marriage fell short.

You are so deserving to be loved and you should be.

I may be secretly pulling for the woman you know who makes the most amazing homemade chocolate chip cookies- but that’s just me.  I hope, as time passes, you discover the love for which our marriage did not provide for you.  I hope you find the one.  I hope you find. . . her.  I hope you find your partner, your best friend.  The one who ignites your soul each time you see her.  The one who finishes your sentences.  The one who speaks without saying a word.  The one who makes your life more just for being in it.

The one worth fighting for.  Get to searching. . .

Sincerely,

Your Former Wife